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This weekend, I spent quite some time with my inner teenager.
She is uncanny and pretty intense, yet I find her intriguing and sexy. I remembered she loves to watch movies, by herself, as a way to soothe her emotions. For those that know me well, this is quite unusual as I am not a movie fanatic. However, this weekend I realized that the angry, rebellious, “fed-up-with-life” teenage Monica that lives in me LOVES to dwell in them. The more melancholic the movie, the better. It’s as if she’s drawn to immerse herself in her own feelings, compelled to keep evoking them until she’s cried her eyes out. It was a sweet and chaotic scene, taking care of my beautiful irate teenager in the most masochistic yet affectionate way. And I loved it.
After watching “A Little Bit of Heaven”, she wrote this unfiltered piece. I was hesitant to share it however, I realize the unrefined and beautiful expression of her truth lives in me and I love her dearly. So here it goes:
I rarely talk about this, perhaps because the perfectionist in me insists it is not appropriate or because I am afraid, I won’t sound very spiritual. Regardless, today – I don’t give a fuck.
Truth is I am dying, every day, little by little, every day closer and closer to that moment where everything I call life will cease to exist. The moment will come when I wake up from this dream that feels so real and then WHAT? What will be of the excitement, the anticipation, the happiness, the pain, the sadness, the suffering, the butterflies in my stomach, the chills on my skin, the breeze in my hair? What will happen when people, friends, family, pets, animals, plants, bugs, stars, clouds, planets, dirt, rocks, water, colors, textures – are no longer there to be seen/touched/felt? What about the thrills, the rush, the peace, the calm, the duality of it all?
What did I come here for? For exactly this – to LIVE THE FUCK out of Life. To feel so deep it either hurts or fills me with bliss, to laugh, to cry, to scream, to stay silent, to meet people (to like them or not), to make choices (some good, some not so good), to suck at things and thrive at others; to experience all of it in its perfection.
And sometimes I question myself – WTF am I doing? Why do I take life so damn seriously? Since when did doing life need to be so perfect, so spiritually driven, so arduous? My guess is I will have a lot more time to be spiritual and a lot less time to be human when I am no longer in this dream.
The nature of my Human BEING is so simple (not always easy) – I came here to LIVE/LOVE: to accept and enjoy without harming others. And I TRUST that as long as I AM in Love, enjoyment, and enthusiasm – I AM already fulfilling my soul’s greatest mission.
We are all dying, every minute, every second, every now moment. And then WHAT? What are you waiting for?
Hope you make it worth it before crossing that finish line.
In Loving Awareness,
Monica
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